Can you even Ket-chup Bro?

Ever think you would be reading something about Ketchup on a blog and not have it be a Heinz ad?

Did anyone in 2020 start binge- watching the show Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and find themselves day dreaming…what if……….

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Here’s my set:

Hello I’m Kristina!

Some things about me, I REALLY love to cook. AND people really do enjoy my food. So much so, it has gotten me married.

Twice.

Before I got married though, I was dating. 

The thing is when you’re dating and people know or learn of the knowledge that you can cook, I think their expectations are high. I don’t think it is the words “ I know how to cook” that made it so , I think it was the words of “culinary school graduate” that was like OH SHIT- her grocery bill must be high!

When my husband and I first started dating, I was so burnt out from past relationships and tired of cooking for the wrong  mutha fucker’s …not to mention a little bitter ,not because old shit ended but because I think I left my good casserole dish at that a-holes house and I will NEVER see my dish AGAIN… {insert sad face}

So when it came down to deciding what to make  for my now husband/then boyfriend for his “first meal”,  I was little anxious and like man, I ain’t putting in no work into this meal.  

It was late, I wasn’t expecting to see him cuz he went to a football game with his friends, but he decided he wasn’t going to the club that evening, hmmm mmm, he wanted to see me.. MMMM MMM…that’s right! He had joint Costco membership on the brain.

{whispers softly} -“Culinary school graduate”

So I looked in my kitchen, fridge, cabinets, etc and then I see it: His first meal; the yellow and blue can. I locked eyes with S-P-A-M. I think it said 25% less sodium on it.

Spam and Rice. {insert dramatic music here} 

Oh stop.. the rice didn’t come in a can and spam is GOOD. I can see my culinary school buddies cringing when I said I liked spam. But you know it’s not a mystery meat. its pork. I think. I mean there is a label on the back of the can and it said mixture …. of …ppporkk….

Well a habit I first learned of my husband at the time was that he likes ketchup on it. Not just any ketchup though, it has to be Heinz. Not organic, not Trader Joes, don’t even think of giving the man Paleo ketchup. 

Heinz.

That’s not unheard of, I mean most people enjoy ketchup. Ketchup is the main ingredient to a lot of great things like meatloaf, fries, burgers, etc. And you can catch me at a fine dining steak house ,wandering around for ketchup because ketchup on a good steak is da’ best.

I stopped taking offense to it after I saw him put it on Indian food. 

To clear some things up though:

1. No, we weren’t eating at an Indian restaurant with ketchup as a condiment.

2. This was take out and the ketchup was consumed at home.

3. CLEARLY it’s him – he loves him some ketchup. 

During our wedding, I, with all our friends and family as our witnesses,VOWED to always have ketchup on hand for him.

Lately, or well more like when I started my blog, I’m like ok we have been married for a few years now. I can take my guard down in the kitchen and cook him food other than spam. 

Because my people, that’s the key to good relationships and lasting marriage – you start out with Kroger Brand Packaged Pasta and when you know their love is true , you go in the kitchen and hand make that shit. 

But since my I’ve been making such a range of recipes, I have noticed I haven’t seen him ask for the ketchup. 

One morning, I went to grab ketchup for my potatoes, and Im squeezing and squeezing , awkward sounds are coming out of the bottle, almost ruined my shirt because the red sauce came squirting out side ways, my toddler is like ewww ewww Mommy is “part-ting” and I’m like hmmmm, he’s almost out of ketchup … and NO I’m not farting…

but wait:

he hasn’t asked for any.. 

he hasn’t put it on the grocery list either…

I confronted him. 

Hey you know I know for a FACT you can survive without ketchup because you haven’t put any on the foods I’ve given you lately. Like my food must be THAT good..

He laughs, “well some things need ketchup”….

I look around, confused..

Indian food doesn’t need ketchup.

My white lace bow that I used to wear in my hair in 5th grade- that didn’t need ketchup. Yup, big lace bows were a thing in the 80’s and we tried to “experiment” with a ketchup packet to see how far it would shoot out if we stepped on it, and what do you know, it went up and instead of out. 

Lesson learned. Experiment complete.

Or is it… 

THANK YOU, you all have been great!!!! {blows the audience a kiss}